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ThinkUpSideDown
06 October 2009 @ 02:06 pm
Count to 10...  
Today in my comm class I learned a great technique for how to control your emotions. If you can control your emotions, you can control your life. And I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just like you can improve your life. That works better, ok, so if you can improve the way you react to your emotions, you can improve your life. And I am going to give this a shot. This I think is the best thing I have learned so far :)

So we played a game where you count from 1 to 10 with an emotion in mind, and as you go up the numbers, the amount of that emotion you have grows..... Hard to explain through type, but like:
1 :(
2 :/
3 :I
4 :)
5 :o)
6 B)
7 :D
8 BD
9 BoD
10 B'oD

It's kind of confusing, but the B's are wide eyes, and the D's are open mouthed smiles, and the o's are clown noses haha. It's hard to explain, but if you do that, it really affects how you feel.

I am going to try this when I feel negativity, and I am going to count backwards first to make the emotion go away, then I'm going to count up with a positive emotion.

Identify the emotion
Define where it is coming from
Resolve the issue.

That's all :) And that would be my enlightening moment of the day.

And let your emotions out! Or they will be stuck inside of you and they will create a tumor! Let them out through journal, or something like that. You don't have to let your emotions run your life. You can react to your emotions, but just channel the way they are reacted. :)
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ThinkUpSideDown
23 September 2009 @ 03:00 pm
"Let me introduce my beautiful girlfriend, Stephanie!"  
Why is it that I feel that David is ashamed of me? He never introduces me to people, and I can't for the life of me figure out why. He will stop a conversation with me just to go talk to someone, then will just leave me behind, talk to that person, and forget I even exist. It really makes me feel like shit, because I feel like there is something wrong with me as to why he doesn't like to tell people he associates with me. Am I ugly? Am I embarrasing to him? What is wrong with me? Or maybe he just genuinely forgets about me. That feels great. Super dooper! I am so insignificant in his life that he easily forgets about me.

Ok, I'm going to use my perception checking on him and see what the response is.

I notice that you won't introduce me to people that you seem to know very well. I feel that you are ashamed of me or forget that I am there, what is going on?
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ThinkUpSideDown
17 September 2009 @ 09:29 am
17 questions.  

17 Questions

1. What is the one thing in lif eyou need to be happy? Why?
 I need other people in life to be happy. Because without other people, there is no one to share happiness and sadness and just life with.

 

2. Who are the 3 people most important to you? Why those three? Only pick 3.
My dad is really important to me because he is the only person that has been there for me my entire life. I have grown up with him alone, and I look up to him because though his life has had many hiccups, he still succeeds. My boyfriend David is also important to me, because he keeps me sane, and helps me improve myself. He understands that I’m not perfect, and he helps me become a better person. My best friend TL is also important to me because with her I feel that I don’t have to hold back anything. We know each other so well and always understand each other and keep each other in check. We also can let loose together and help resolve each other’s stresses.

 

3. What are your two favorite things to do? How would you like to spend your time?
I greatly enjoy driving. When I drive I can just go and see things, and I feel free when I’m on the road. Just me and the car. Though I am totally focusing on the road, I am able to let my mind wander and usually am in a great mood when I come back from a pointless drive. I also love cleaning, I make things pretty and while I do it I sing and dance to music, and it makes me feel very productive, and then it feels good when I have a presentable apartment for guests.

 

4. Which part of your personality are you proudest of?
I am proud of the fact that I can talk to anyone. I can go up to any person and start up a conversation. I’m not sure if it is confidence or what, but I feel just comfortable with meeting people and talking to them.

 

5. So far, what has been your greatest joy, or what brings you joy?
I don’t want to sound self centered or selfish, but what truly brings me joy is when I have a crowd of people looking at me. Especially when I go on stage and sing, and I have all those eyes on me, and I do good and it just opens my heart and makes a smile come across my face. It is a feeling I could never explain, but I love it.

 

6. What makes you feel sexy? (When do you feel sexy? How do you feel sexy or what do you think makes you sexy?)
Well I consider my best attribute to be my hair, and when my hair is looking fabulous, I feel sexy. And I also think that when I talk to people, and I surprise them with the things that I am interested in (guns, cars) then I feel sexy as well.

 

7. What event in your life made the biggest difference to your way of living now?
This is very hard to write this….but I am not going to improve myself if I don’t answer these questions honestly. One event in my life has changed me and made my life completely different than many people. When I was 6 years old, I was in Texas with my mom. I would visit her for summer and winter breaks…but most of the time was with my dad. My mom was very irresponsible and did drugs and drank a lot. When I went there she tried to be on her best behavior but didn’t do the best job. I went into the kitchen for a glass of milk and when I came back into the living room, there was blood all over the place, and my mom was sitting on the couch with slit wrists spraying the blood everywhere saying “this is all for you”. I can specifically place moments in my life that I know happen because of that. I went through therapy, but it didn’t really help. I have kept this image in my mind and have made decisions based on her. For example, I have never done a drug or smoked, and I never will. And my biggest dream in life is to be a wife and mother, and I am going to do a much better job than she did. Her bad example has shown to me who I need to be in order to be better than her. I am learning from her mistakes.

 

8. How do you like to escape?
I like to drive. I usually just drive on freeways to where ever or I drive up and down PCH till I feel at ease or at peace. If I am stressed out or just need to collect the thoughts in my mind, I drive. Then I come home and I write. I have a personal journal online that I write in. It is my way to organize my thoughts and come to a conclusion if I need one.

 

9. What are your three worst habits? (Be honest, maybe ask your friends/family...they always know!)
I asked my dad, and he said one of my worst habits is that if I don’t think I can do something, I will get that stuck in my mind, and no matter what, I won’t be able to do it, just because I tell myself I can’t. I asked my boyfriend and he said my worst habit is starting conflict without enough information. I have noticed that one and am working on improving it, and I believe I’m doing a very good job. And personally I think my worst habit is that I give too many nonverbal signals to people. I’ve been told that my face is very expressive, and when I feel something, you can see it in my face. That one is really hard for me to work on because most of the time I don’t even notice it.

 

10. What are three things you normally don't tell people? Tell us three secrets. Explore beyond the surface, what do you keep secret? Why? (You should be specific and not just tell us a general category).
My biggest secret I have already told. About my mom. I don’t tell people about that because it hurts me inside to think about it. My second biggest secret is that I was in an abusive relationship. I don’t tell people that because it also hurts me deep inside. I get images, and I get scared and I shake, and I don’t like that feeling. And my biggest secret that no one knows, and I don’t like to admit is that I am very lonely inside. I feel the need to always have people or animals around me. I have a rabbit and three cats in a one bedroom apartment because I don’t like being at home alone because it makes me want to cry. I don’t know why, but I am absolutely terrified of being alone. I can’t really place why I am that way, but I just know that that is something that I have kept a secret my whole life.

 

11. So far, what has been your greatest shame? When did you feel most ashamed? 
My greatest shame is that I let an ignorant and selfish person rule my life for three years. I should have left my abusive boyfriend the instant he touched me, but I stayed, I left so many times but for some reason just went back to him over and over, he manipulated my life and I feel so ashamed that I stayed there for three years.

 

12. What is something you've lost, that you wish you still had?
 I have lost many good relationships that I wish I still had. Like my gramma and grampa. They were my step mom’s parents, but they were my family, I love them and wish I could talk to them, but every time I talk to them it is just so awkward. My step mom divorced my dad and married his boss. And since then, I haven’t had that wonderful connection I used to have with them. I wish I could learn gramma’s recipes and play catch with grampa in the pool again, but I can’t. Every time we are near each other, we are sad and cry, and it just isn’t how it used to be. I haven’t seen them in over 2 years now, and that makes me really sad.

 

13. What is the worst lie you've ever told?
I don’t know why I did this, and am very ashamed to say it, but my worst lie was when September 11th happened. I for some reason, maybe to get attention at a new school, told everyone that my uncle died in there. I had no reason to say that, and still to this day don’t know why I did, but I said it, and it is just very rude of me to say something like that for no reason.

 

14. What terrifies you? (or at least really freaks you out)
I am afraid of being alone, I am afraid of lightening and thunder, and I am really afraid of bridges.

 

15. If you could erase one memory or experience or event from your life, what would it be? why would you erase it? I know that all of your experiences are valuable in making you who you are, but don't say "nothing, I wouldn't erase anything." Think of something you could do without.
I would erase the images of what my mom did. They genuinely scarred me and I can’t really go a day without thinking about that instance. It was very traumatic for a 6 year old to witness her mother attempting to kill herself slowly. It really makes my heart heavy and makes me cry, like I have during this whole questionaire.

 

16. If you could re-live a single day, what day would it be? What would you like to re-experience or do over? Why?
I want to relive when I was 9 years old and at gramma and grampa’s for Christmas. She set up the biggest village under the tree, and the tree itself was huge with blinking colorful lights, and it smelled like her delicious corned beef and cabbage, and the christmas carols were playing, broadcasted from The Wave. Everything was perfect and the whole family (in my mind) was together, even my two brothers. I didn’t have my mom’s side there or anything, but I had what I had, and I was so happy. I cry around Christmas time every year because I know that will never happen again. My gramparents really made Christmas time very special.

 

17. What question would you add to this list? In other words, what would you like to know about others? What do you find very "telling" about others or what question do you wish was on this list?
I would like to ask, why do you think you are here? Why do you think you were born?

 

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ThinkUpSideDown
12 September 2009 @ 08:36 am
David, my everything.  
I love him so much, and would do anything for him. I really would. That's why it hurts me to admit that I am selfish. I drive his car every day, and it makes me so happy. I feel like I am somebody when I drive that car. Like I matter in the world. Like I matter to him. That is a huge sacrafice for him, and that makes me so happy to have his trust. Now why can't I trust him? I trust him, but my mind tells me not to. I need to learn to let go, learn to be true to myself. My heart says "trust" my brain says "don't". I need to listen to my heart  more and let him do what he wants to do. If I hold him close for much longer, I'm afraid he will leave.

Why can't we both have cars that make us happy? Oh. Right. Because they are expensive. We can't even afford the one we have.
What I don't understand is that he says he is demasculated. Does he realize there are three cars? Does he realize that when I have the Mustang, he still has the option of driving an even nicer car than that? Maybe I just feel like it isn't fair for him to have two nice cars and me have one that reminds me of horrible things. All that my car reminds me of is arguing, accidents, tickets, and just straight anger. Maybe David is right. I shouldn't have named her after the rental car. But that was a happy memory, and I wanted David in my life, and Daisy was the only way I could have him in my mind all the time. When I first got my car, I would talk to her like she was David, because I missed him so much. I would drive by his house, drive by the shop. Wondering why I wasn't there. Wondering what kept me from being happy. That car only reminds me of sadness and attempting to achieve happiness through memories, but the only memories I have of that car are sad and depressing.

I need to clean the house, and David just now told me to get a pregnancy test........I'm going to do that one first.
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ThinkUpSideDown
08 August 2009 @ 05:42 pm
Lonely...  
Lately it seems like I've been writing in here only when David and I aren't doing well. I think I just messed up a reservation, I might have put it on the wrong day. Whatever, she said she was going to call back, I'll check with her then.

Anyway, what has been going on lately is that I feel like David can't spend quality time with me unless there are other people there. He like can't live without his friends every day. Like every day George and him have been going out and tonight it's Cristian. I don't mind, because I'm working, but I do like to have a little alone time with him when he comes home from work and before I go to work, but he's been having his friends come over like right when he gets home. It's like i"m not enough. I don't know, I just feel so lonely and empty. The only time I can get his full attention is when we have sex, other than that, he won't like give me any attention. And I'm really really getting lonely, and when I get lonely I get a little picky and short tempered. I don't like that feeling. I feel like the only way to get his full attention is to argue with him, because it gives me his full attention and makes him stay and look at me and talk (or yell) with/at me. I just think that's bullshit. I miss David. I really do. I can't remember the last time I came. I keep faking it. The passion just isn't there anymore. I feel so bad, but I just can't, I can't do it unless I feel like we are connected on a personal and physical level, and the personal part isn't there. He thinks that just because he's in my presence, that's good enough. No! It's not! I need to connect with him and hear his thoughts and feelings and everything, and he's just been dead as a rock lately. It's lame and I really don't like it. I can't tell him that though because he will take it the wrong way. It's bullshit.

Word of the day: Bullshit.
Example: Everything lately is bullshit because David is putting no effort into our relationship.
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ThinkUpSideDown
25 July 2009 @ 01:31 pm
Life and Dates....or a lack there of.  
Welp. Life is going pretty good. I have a new schedule at work where I pretty much only work weekends. I think I'm actually starting to like it, because it's a constant, instead of feeling frazzled because I never know what my schedule is going to be. I like things that stay the same. So I'm glad I'm starting to like it.

And yesterday Brian smiled! I was in shock! I didn't know he had teeth! It made me feel much better about the job. It's kinda weird to think it, but if you like the people you work with and they like you, then it makes work something to look forward to. I just emailed Brian asking to crosstrain. I'd love to do serving, but I'm so clumsy, and never watch where I'm going, I think I would be horrible at it. I would like to do the control desk though. It seems like it has more stress and involves more mind than just standing up here with a smile on my face. I think I can feel myself going dumb haha.

As for going on dates....or a lack there of. Why is David so against going out on the town with me and just enjoying a night with me. It seems like George can get him to go out and do stuff, but when I just want to go to the beach and enjoy it, he doesn't understand. I just want to go there and do nothing. He is always in a hurry to do the next thing, but when there is nothing to do next, he has to make something to do.

I still haven't even gone to a bar or anything. Even though it's been over a month since my birthday, he seems to not give a shit. I want to LIVE life! Why can't I enjoy new experiences? I'd love to experience them with him, but he doesn't seem willing, so I guess I have to find someone else to go out with and have fun with. All he wants to do is sit at home or go out with George. He doesn't understand that, even though he's already lived the fun part of his life, I haven't, and want to, but can't because he doesn't want to. And I don't want to go out and end up feeling guilty for not going out with him, while he sits at home and sleeps or something. I just don't understand what his deal is....

And I feel like there is no way to talk to him. He already agreed to go on a date this week, but it's been a week since he agreed to it, so I think it's lost. Why can't we go out and have a romantic night? I pretty much can tell you now that when he is going to propose to me, I'm going to be able to tell, because it will be a random night that he actually wants to go out and do something romantic. I will know what's coming, and I don't want that! I want to be surprised! I want to be shocked!

I just feel like our relationship has faded and that he doesn't see the point in trying anymore, and like it will all just keep going on without any effort.

He got me flowers last night, and that was a wonderful surprise to come home to last night, and it was adorable, but I don't know.

Am I being selfish?? Am I expecting too much?

Where I work, I see couples come in here all the time and they seem to have fun with eachother doing something random like this. And I feel like that will never be David and I. That we have gotten stuck in a boring rut, and that's where it's going to stay.

I don't want that life. I want a fun life. At least now while I'm young. When I have kids and settle down and everything then it will be different.

I think maybe that's why I'm thinking about marraige and having kids so much lately, because I feel our relationship has become that, and that the fun part is already over, when I'm still only 21, I should be out and enjoying life, instead of feeling these needs to start a family. I need to get out of this rut!!!

David, Ugh, I wish you read this...maybe you would understand how I feel. I don't know.

Maybe I should plan something. But then he won't want to go, or he will stall like he tried to do the other night when we went to see a movie. I think that's what he thinks a date is....watching a movie and eating hotdogs in the theater, then going home and sleeping.

We haven't had sex in a few days either. I tried last night, but he didn't care.
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ThinkUpSideDown
20 July 2009 @ 10:46 pm
Is it so wrong to dream?  
My whole life I've dreamt about getting married and having kids. Even when I was 7 I would put my baby doll in the crib and pray that when I woke up that it was a real baby. I just really want kids, some time in my life. I just feel like it's what I really want and I can't ever dream about it. David jut really acts like he never wants to make it happen and it really hurts me. I want to dream about the future and imagine what life will be. I found the perfect man, and now I can try to invision a future with him but I can't.

"You're only 21" no shit. I know. I just want to think, and dream. Just because I talk about babies and things doesn't mean I want to have one this instant! No! I'm not ready. I know that, he knows that, but he can't wrap his mind around the fact that I just want to dream for a flipping second. I just want to take my mind to another place, I want to dream! Good dreams!

He pretends he cares, and he really doesn't. He is still stuck as a child, playing with his legos and buying hot wheels. Do I really think this is ever going to work?

He used to really seem to care, and now he's just a child again. He doesn't give a fuck about what I have to say and he doesn't want to dream about the future with me. Isn't that was a normal couple does? Go on dates and dream about the future together? At least that's what I thought. But apparently, being a couple means having him do whatever he wants when he wants, and dragging her along with him, even if he knows she doesn't like it.

I don't know.

I'm going to attempt to watch something I WANT to watch and see what he says about it. Because fuck him, he's playing with legos.
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ThinkUpSideDown
18 July 2009 @ 08:21 pm
Smile!  
Lately, I've been finding it very difficult to get a smile to cross my face, I feel almost like it hurts me to smile. I don't like that feeling. I love smiling, but it just doesn't feel appropriate. I really want to go on a date with David or something, because I feel like we are stuck in a rut. We don't really go out unless we are with George, and even then, I feel like the third wheel, and like I shouldn't be there. I really want to get the core relationship that we had back, I want all this extra crap to go away. Not that we really have crap, but just I feel like there is a weight that needs to be lifted. I would love to go to a club or something, I want to get out, feel alive, feel like I'm not just trapped in a house all alone all the time. I want to have the spice back in my life again. David used to be so romantic, and we would have so much fun with eachother, going out all the time and everything, and now I feel like we barely even talk. I really miss that heart to heart get to know each other talk that we used to have. Or just joking around. I feel like he is constantly laughing and joking around when he's with George or other people, but like I never hear his laugh around me anymore. I love his laugh so much too. It makes my heart happy. Maybe that's why I'm having trouble smiling, because I'm not getting that satisfactory laugh out of him. He makes me happy, and if he's not laughing then I'm not happy. I almost feel like I constantly need a new man in my life to feel satisfied, because that feeling of having someone new and that skipping feeling in your heart is what I love. I feel like I don't really get that anymore from David. I feel like he doesn't really love me anymore, and that it's just easier to keep me around than try to get rid of me. I don't know. He makes my heart go wild when he gives me his attention and tells me stories and things, but he doesn't bother trying anymore. What do I do to get the old David back?

Well I feel like I have poured my heart out as much as I can without having David here t omake everything better. I also feel like it is a waste to try to talk to him because he doesn't really understand. He acts like I'm critisizing him and it's not like that at all, I'm just trying to find out what happened to us.
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ThinkUpSideDown
16 July 2009 @ 01:44 pm
Nightmare.  
Last night I had a horrible nightmare. David had already left for work and I was sleeping in. I had a dream that I was at a feeding zoo / gym place, and I noticed David jumped in the Mustang and left, when he wasn't even supposed to be there. I jumped in a random MR2 and tried to follow him. I didn't really fit in the car at all, and couldn't keep up with David. I saw him driving back and we met up in the parking lot. I asked him what the heck, and if there was another girl. He said yes that there was another girl. He was reading a newspaper and I kept pushing it out of the way. I asked him what her name is and he said "Adia". I started crying and felt my heart break. It was horrible, I woke up crying with my lip shaking and turned over and David wasn't there because he was at work.

I didn't like that dream at all. And the events of today have followed the dream, even though I know it's not real and I'm now just very tired and want to sleep and hope for happy dreams.
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ThinkUpSideDown
15 July 2009 @ 01:46 pm
Must start writing my thoughts again!  
I think it's really important for me to let my thoughts out in words. Sometimes I feel like I really should be doing it every day.

Well what's happened? I'm 21 now. David and I went to Vegas the weekend after my birthday...just the two of us. Much less people than originally planned. :/

Well the past few days David and I have been arguing over stupid things. I need to get over this. He did confess something to me though...he said he feels jealousy, but swallows it because he knows it's not real. He also said that I need to be like a palm tree, because palm trees can go through hurricanes, but don't break because they give. I really need to keep that in mind.

I'm working on myself still, but I've had 20 years of bad teaching...or rather a lack of any teaching. And in this past year, I've done more growing than I ever thought I could.

I really do love David and appreciate everything he does for me.

I need to make girl friends....and I need to find motivation to get out and have fun.

Swallow the jealousy...it's not real. Sometimes I feel jealous for no damn good reason at all...and that's what pisses me off the most! Like right now, I know I have to work tonight, and I'm feeling the burning in my heart because I know David will be home without me. I need to let go...let go!

Ok, I'm going to look online for some ways to beat the jealousy out of me.

I feel so useless lately. I want to go buy David something nice....but what? :)
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ThinkUpSideDown
16 May 2009 @ 09:23 pm
Perfect  

Why can't I be perfect? Inside and out?

I have nice hair, but I need a better cut, with layers, and I need to always have it curled and perfect.
I need to not have freckles, they aren't attractive, I need flawless skin to be perfect.
I need Better shaped eyebrows, not so low and angry...to be perfect.
I need lighter eyes, lighter green, or even blue...to be perfect.
I need a better shaped eye, slanted up more...to be perfect.
I need a tiny little nose, instead of my "ski ramp" nose....to be perfect.
I need bigger lips, that make a wonderful smile...to be perfect.
I need nicer teeth, that are white and perfectly straight, with a dazzeling smile...to be perfect.
I need a stronger jaw line, and a small chin...to be perfect.
I need darker skin, that doesn't require constant sun to be tan, and if I get too much sun it burns....to be perfect.
I need larger breasts, so I can walk about confidently, knowing I fit into my clothes, and so I don't have to get a super padded bra...to be perfect.
I need a skinnier waist, with no love handles...to be perfect.
I need a bubblier butt, that is perfect and doesn't have a flat spot on the bottom....to be perfect.
I need thinner, more toned thighs...to be perfect.
I need legs that glisten and are always tan....to be perfect.
I need flawless feet that don't have the toes bunched up, and don't have too much skin, and don't have veins showing through them...to be perfect.

I need everything I don't have...to be perfect.

I really need breasts though, I think that would make me a lot more confident. I feel like I'm twelve years old. People notice too. They see I am an alright looking girl, and then they see that I'm flat chested, and they look away...saying "she's just another girl". I want the attention. I crave it.

Why am I not a stripper? Oh, ya. Because I don't have fucking boobs. Fuck me. Why the hell am I so goddamn ugly????? I need to get thinner, and I need to get money to get boobs. I need to drive a car that is my own, and still gets attention.

I want to feel loved, like really loved, for everything I am.

David used to watch porn...and of course, all the girls had BIG BOOBS and perfect bodies, and they were so fake and perfect. And that's what got him off. I'm just the best thing he can get, so he settled. But I swear if another girl came along that actually showed interest in him, I'd be thrown to the curb. I'm "just another girl".

I need them, I need them I need them I need them I need them I need them.

I know it would make me look so so so so so much better.

WHY THE FUCK DON'T I HAVE PERFECTION??

What makes the other girls so lucky? Why do they have the confidence? And I don't? Oh, right, because they have boobs. They are perfect. They can have friends, I can't even find one friend and keep it for more than a month.

FUCK THIS. I've been waiting my whole life for boobs...and now I'm turning 21...I realize it's over. There's no more chance for me.

I just need to get them. I need to feel loved. Genuinely loved for everything I have. Not what I have-but-wish-there-was-more.

People hate me. Awesome. I'm a bitch...awesome. You didn't even talk to me and you think I'm a bitch. Well, guess what? Now I'm a bitch because you give me the name and I wear it.

I'm going to go cry now.

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ThinkUpSideDown
14 May 2009 @ 05:58 pm
What has happened to us?  
Well, David and I just recently passed our one year anniversary. I knew we'd make it that far, but I just don't feel good about us lately. I'm wondering if he's the one for me. Is he it? He treats me pretty good, but I just feel like there used to be more. I was reading his journal from years ago, and he really really cared about me. I was like the ONE for him, and lately, it's just been feeling like I'm jsut there and he expects me to be.

I don't know. I just feel so crappy lately. Maybe it was because of our anniversary....we went to a nice dinner, it was so romantic, we shared a meal, and left. The entire time, David couldn't stop talking about how shitty the service was, and on the way home, same thing. We got home, had sex, went to bed. To be honest, I was really expecting more. Why didn't he pull his wonderful David surprises move, or why didn't we go to the beach and look at the stars? Why didn't we talk about us? I mean, one thing that hurts me is that we didn't even take a picture with each other. We sat there with our camera's and I got an amazing picture of David, but nothing from him...he just kept taking pictures of the view.

And lately, we can't do anything without George being there.

Well, he just called me, and now I'm sitting here, on hold, because he's probably talking to Joe. He has time to answer his phone for Joe, but when I text him for an hour, he doesn't respond. I'm just really hurt.

He used to randomly call or text me to say he loves me, and now I can barely get a hold of him.

I just hung up. I don't feel like being the second person on his mind. It's like his life is a totem pole, and I'm not on top. Joe is, or George is, or someone else. Always someone else.

I want to do something to have him love me passionately like he used to.

He buys me nice things, but it's attention I need, attention and love, not things...though those are nice too.

I'm wondering if he is going to call me back...there he is. Surprised actually.

God I feel like shit. I feel like I have this huge load on me. I just hate it. I want to drive and get lost. I want to just sleep till the David I knew comes back.

Fuck me. God dammit, I can't even get a cat to sleep on my lap.

David doesn't really hold me anymore when we sleep. Now he just pushes me off the bed and takes all the covers.

Why do I feel so down? Why do I want to cry?

I have it so nice, but I don't want what I have. I want what I had. Why did I have to fuck it up.

Do I even want to be with him? That's a horrible question, and hate myself for asking it, but I've been asking it a lot lately.

I'm going to start writing more. I have too many problems to go without a journal.
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ThinkUpSideDown
02 January 2009 @ 01:53 am
Writer's Block: Starting Out Fresh  

Many people believe that what you do on New Year's Day sets the tone for your entire year. How did you spend the first day of 2009? Do you think it will influence the rest of the year?


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I sure hope not. I have cried way too much. PMS is a bitch. Why is it that I only get that depressing side of PMS?? This year is going to be great, and I know it, but the first moments....and day...well they didn't prove too well. And if this is how it's going to be, I'm in for a long year. But I'm going to stay optimistic.
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ThinkUpSideDown
02 January 2009 @ 01:14 am
Can't sleep. Too much on my mind.  
I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I'm PMSing, but I have no clue.

Ever since David, I have been so happy, and I've been getting so much better with my confidence and have become a much more possitive person. But tonight, I just feel so weird. Weird. Ya. That's the only way I can describe it.

David is sleeping right now, I had to leave the bed. We've had a weird night. I don't know if it's just me, or if he's just saying all the wrong things, and I'm hearing them weird.

But everything tonight has made me want to cry. With the way I am, I have always been so excited about marraige, and having children, and I love to talk about it, because it makes me excited for the future. It's like my little girl dreams, and I love them. And David used to always be aboard, but lately, I don't know if it's just because I'm picky or what, but lately, I've just been noticing that he's not the same. I don't know why, but just things he keeps saying. Like we were watching Desperate Housewives, and there was a baby, and I kept saying how cute she was and how I wanted a baby (not right now of course, but David knows that, I have told him time and time again.) and David says "not right now". And he always says that, and it bothers me. No shit. I know not right now. I'm just saying, I want one, some time, eventually, in my lifetime. And I have told him that, but no matter what, it's like he can't accept the fact that I want one. He just keeps saying not now.

And we were in bed, and I was asking him if he was serious about marraige, because he has been very distant lately, and he said "well it's like death. I know it's coming, but I don't feel the need to talk about it" and that really upsets me because he's comparing death to marraige! And he's always doing stuff like that. And when I pointed out that that was very negative, he then compared it to an inheritance, which is still just as bad because someone is still dying! And I know he always says stuff like "oh, people tell me that marraige ruins marraiges" and stuff like that, and the whole ball and chain thing. And that really really hurts me, because it's like he already has this negative assumption about marraige, and he hasn't even experienced it yet! I mean, I've also heard that it's tough, but I'm looking forward to that, because I think that in the end it will make me feel accomplished, and I really want to make it work. I don't know. I know it's a while away from now, but what's the harm in talking about it?

And I remember when David and I were first starting dating, he would always be touching me and telling me how sexy I am, and how much he loved me, and when I would go to the shop, he would touch me, and now it's like someone has flipped a switch, and I feel like I practically have to beg for attention, and I don't like that at all :( It really makes me sad. I just feel so numb right now. It could be because it's one thirty in the morning, but I don't know. I feel like I need to cry, but then I have this feeling of anger almost. And it makes me not want to cry. I just don't want a repeat of Arien. I can't believe I'm saying that, but I really don't. I constantly tell David how much I love him and how much he means to me, and how handsome he is, and I point out his good qualities, and I just feel like I"m talking to someone who really doesn't give a shit. And it really hurts me that my words are wasted, or at least feel like it.

And I know he's stressed. He hasn't been paid for three weeks, and he's having to do work on the side, and pretty much steal money from the shop in order to get anything, but I still feel that if he's stressed, well I should be his relief. And I'm not. And I don't know what is for him right now.

We had a conversation, because earlier, I had asked him if he loved Cookie, and he said "she's cute" and I was like uh, that's not an answer. He avoided it. And I asked him about it later, and he said "I don't say I love something unless I would take a bullet for it" and that really meant a lot to me. And he then told me he loved me. And sealed it with a kiss. But it was a quick one. I hate those quick kisses. I want a fucking meaningful kiss. Where I feel you really mean what you say. Am I the only one that feels that way??? Are kisses so cheap and useless that they really mean nothing anymore? I just want a kiss that lasts for more than a millisecond! Is that too much to ask for? And a hug that feels meaningful too. I don't want the kind of hug that you would give a friend, where you hold, pat, pat, let go. I want to be held!!! I feel like I really need to be held. And with meaning. Why can't I feel like there is meaning in anything anymore??? I feel like he just has sex with me too because it's like required. It's just a scheduled thing that we need to do.

I cried there for a moment, when talking about the hug. I mean, I don't know. I"m just a mess right now, and I think, well i think David thinks, I'm paranoid.

Last night was new years eve. And at around 2 I wanted to go home, but Kathy was our ride, and she didn't seem to want to go. And no matter how much I asked David to hint at wanting to leave, he kept saying no, and that it's not our choice, and it made me feel like shit. And I was worried because I didn't want to be on the road with all the drunks. I was genuinely terrified for my life, and I was worried we were going to die. I broke down and cried, pretty hard. And I don't know if it's because it was late (like tonight) or if it was PMS, or what. But I was worried. and now I"m worried about David not wanting to get married, and worried that he really doesn't want to have kids, and now I"m worried that I worry too much!

What is wrong with me? I don't want to see a psychiatrist. I really don't. I don't really like doctors I guess. I just feel horrible, and I feel like a really bad, mean person, but I just don't konw what to do.

Is it true? Can I really not stand when everything is perfect??? Am I afraid of everything being wonderful? Because I'm so used to conflict and negativity??

I notice, I have had a lot of questions in this entry, and I don't feel any of them will ever be answered.

I just don't know. I don't fucking know. And that makes me angry, and sad, and I just have this feeling, like my heart is oily. Weighed down.

And David goes back to work tomorrow. For a day, but still. I don't want to be away from him. I want to feel that closeness, that heart to heart feeling I used to feel, that I now long for.

Am I addicted? to affection? And attention?

I think I am. But is there really an Affection Needers Annonymous?? I really really doubt it.

It's just that, not only do I want to BE loved, but I want to FEEL loved.

And I think I've been chasing that feeling my whole life, and David satisfied it, and now suddenly doesn't.

What does it take for me to talk to him and tell him this, without him thinking I"m crazy???

I'm not crazy. I'm not. I just really have had too many loveless years, and I need to fill them. Now. Rush order, but he was doing so well. And now it's gone.

I know he's sleeping, but I need to turn on a song. "you've lost that loving feeling".

You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips.
And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips.
You're trying hard not to show it, (baby).
But baby, baby I know it...

You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Whoa, that lovin' feeling,
You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Now it's gone...gone...gone...wooooooh.

Now there's no welcome look in your eyes
when I reach for you.
And now your're starting to critisize little things I do.
It makes me just feel like crying, (baby).
'Cause baby, something in you is dying.

You lost that lovin' feeling,
Whoa, that lovin' feeling,
You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Now it's gone...gone...gone...woooooah

Baby, baby, I get down on my knees for you.

If you would only love me like you used to do, yeah.

We had a love...a love...a love you don't find everyday.

So don't...don't...don't...don't let it slip away.

Baby (baby), baby (baby),
I beg of you please...please,
I need your love (I need your love),
I need your love (I need your love),
So bring it on back (So bring it on back),
Bring it on back (so bring it on back).

Bring back that lovin' feeling,
Whoa, that lovin' feeling
Bring back that lovin' feeling,
'Cause it's gone...gone...gone,
and I can't go on,
noooo...

Bring back that lovin' feeling,
Whoa, that lovin' feeling
Bring back that lovin' feeling,
'Cause it's gone...gone...


wow. it's amazing. I know that song doesn't say much, but everything it says is true. he really doesn't close his eyes anymore when we kiss. And he is critisizing every little thing I do. And he doesn't have that same look in his eyes when I try to hold him. I don't even know if we've looked each other in the eyes in a while. We did have a love you don't find every day. People were so jealous. What is happening???? Why do I feel like this? I dont' like this. i really don't like this feeling.

And it's really hurting, because I've been typing for nearly fourty minutes now, and he hasn't come out to find me. He would normally notice I'm not next to him and come see why I'm not in bed. Am I overthinking this??? What is going on?????

This feeling I have right now feels too familiar, and I don't like that. I don't want to lose David. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I'm going to fight through this, and no matter what it takes, I WILL get him back. I will.

Even though I feel like I should still keep typing, because I don't feel like I got it all out still, I"m going to go to bed.

Let's see if he noticed I was gone.
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ThinkUpSideDown
30 December 2008 @ 01:29 pm
Recap of 2008  


1.


What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Had freedom. :) Oh, and finished a whole semester in College lol

 

2.


Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make one. This year...it will be....to enjoy every moment I have. And that will be kept :)


3.


Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not really close, but Art and Courtney had adorable Madison :)

 

4.


Did anyone close to you die?
No. I've never had to go through a death, and I don't think I'd ever be able to. I can't even keep myself together when someone dies in a movie!

 


5.


What countries did you visit?
Um, This one. lol

 

6.


What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Many close friends.

 


7.


What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 24th: The day I called David and we have seen eachother every day since. May 5th: David asked me to be his. June 21st: My birthday in Solvang with the one I love. July 16th: My first concert, Journey. October 1st: David and I moved into our apartment. December 24th: David and I had a Christmas eve party for our family, and one BIG game of uno lol December 25th: The best Christmas I have every had.

 


8.


What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finally making the right choice, and being with David, and finishing a semester.

9.


What was your biggest failure?
Getting a B in one of my classes. Otherwise I would have had all A's and would have had a Bengal kitten. But I still love my Cookie :)

 

10.


Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got stomach flu for the first time. Yuck.


11.


What was the best thing someone bought you?
Kathy, I like your answer. So true: "Anything anyone buys me is the best thing. They obviously had me in mind and thats the best thing anyone can do for someone."

 


12.


Whose behavior merited celebration?
Actually, mine. I have become a much better person. I have a feeling a certain someone had an influence on it though :)


13.


Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Marzena...I thought we were stronger than that.

 

14.


Where did most of your money go?
Abercrombie and Fitch lol

 

15.


What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Having a life, and spending it with David. I waited too long.

 

16.


What song will always remind you of 2008?
"Gravity" by Sarah Barrieles.


17.


Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Happier by far.


b) fatter or skinnier? More fit. Same size

c) richer or poorer? Depends. In life, richer. In money, poorer in my bank account.

 

18.


What do you wish you'd done more of?
Nothing. It was perfect. I did more of anything than I have ever done in my life :)

 

19.


What do you wish you'd done less of?
Nothing. It was perfect :)

 

20.


How do you plan to spend Christmas?
I spent it with all my family and David's family, and of course David. I couldn't have had it any better :)

 

21.


Did you fall in love in 2008?
Absolutely. But I already knew I was in love with him years ago :)

 

22.


How many one night stands?
Ew. None. Never.

 

23.


What was your favorite TV program?
Desperate Housewives!!!

 

24.


Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Only one person. Because she hates me...for no reason...except jealousy. But I guess I can't blame her ;)

 

25.


What was the best book you read?
Actually, my women's studies book :)

 

26.


What was your greatest musical discovery?
That I am a good singer. And that no one will ever stop me from singing ever again.

 

27.


What did you want and get?
David :) an apartment, and a kitten, and a bunny :) and TRUE LOVE :D

 

28.


What did you want and not get?
A pink Bentley, but we can't always get what we want :p haha.

 

29.


What was your favorite film of this year?
Dark Knight, and even though I know it's not from this year, I saw it this year: MIst. Wow. Love that movie.

 

30.


What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 20 and spent it with my amazing man. He took me to Solvang and we had such a wonderful time :)


31.


What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Nothing. It was a perfect year.

 

32.


How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Everything Abercrombie and Hollister. Simple, and comfortable :) And it actually fits! They have a 00 size pant that fits!


33.


What kept you sane?
David.

 

34.


Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Britney Spears :)

 

35.


What political issue stirred you the most?
The fact that we now have a president that wasn't even born here, and he's lying about it. He is already lying to us. What more is to come?

 

36.


Who do you miss?
My brothers. Especially Nathan. Stay safe soldier :)

 

37.


Who was the best new person you met?
Many people :) This was a very social year for me, I loved it :)


38.


What was the best thing you ate?
White people food. God did I miss it. haha, and my fridge is stocked with bread. God do I love bread. I missed it lol

 

39.


Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008?
Life is meant to be enjoyed, and shared with the one you love. And never let anyone hold you back :)

 

40.


Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"I can see clearly now the rain is gone. I can see all obsticles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It's going to be a bright, bright sunshiney day. It's going to be a bright, bright sunshiney day. I think I can make it now the pain is gone. All of the bad feelings have disappeared. Here is that rainbow I"ve been praying for. It's going to be a bright, bright sunshiney day. Look all around there's nothing but blue skies. Look straight ahead, nothing but blue skies. I can see clearly now the rain is gone. I can see all obsticles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It's going to be a bright, bright sunshiney day. It's going to be a bright, bright sunshiney day. Gonna be a bright, bright sunshiney day."

All thanks to David, my year has been amazing, and my life has made a complete turnaround, all for the better :)

I love you David.

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ThinkUpSideDown
29 December 2008 @ 03:30 pm
Cleaning the house.  
Is quite hard. I'm not sure why, but it is. There is just so much to do, and I think I"m lazy. I really need to work on that. David does so much for me, I owe it to him to have him come home to a clean house. Ok, first, start a batch of laundry, then pick up all trash, do dishes, do more laundry, fold all the clothes before you start another load. Whipe down the bathroom, and the kitchen. Make the sink smell good, empty dishwasher. Sweep the balcony. Empty both animal boxes. Vacuum. dust everything. I seriously hate dust.

Why can't I just be like Bree on Desperate housewives? She's so perfect.
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ThinkUpSideDown
27 December 2008 @ 11:26 am
David and I found a pit bull last night.  

We were in the Mustang, getting gas at the 76 station right down the street from our apartment, and there was this really pretty male pit bull, just walking around. I felt bad and checked his collar, and there was no tag. He was so so nice and friendly. We went inside to get him some beef jerky, and he gobbled it up so fast! The guy inside the convenience store said some lady just came and dropped him off! Poor guy! I told David to go home and get my car, and he did, I stayed with the dog. I was so sad because if we had the room for him, I would have kept him, and I'm not even a dog person! And I would have named him Chocolate. haha, because then we would have a dog named Chocolate, a bunny named Chip, and a kitten named Cookie! Chocolate, Chip and Cookie! haha. Anyway, our balcony is taken by the giant bunny (trust me, he needs the room!) otherwise i would have kept him. He was so nice. So we put him in the car, I drove, and David stayed in the back with him. We went to the pound. :( I didn't want to, but we had no other choice, it's better than him getting killed by a car. He was pretty oblivious in that sense. And it was closed, but the sign said "we are available to take in animals from 7am to 11pm every day." and we picked up the phone, and no one answered. So I saw that there was this cage, and I guess you are just supposed to leave the dog in there, so we did, and right after we locked it, a guy came out, and we talked to him. He seemed so angry that we were bringing in the dog. Like it was ours and we were dropping it off.
Lame, but we dropped him off and went home (the movie theaters were too packed otherwise we were going to see Yes Man)

We got home, and I was going to check craigslist to see if that dumb lady at least tried to get rid of him in a sane way, and I opened enternet explorer.....and right on the front page of google, there was a video "Pit Bull and cat in love" and it was a brown pit bull and a grey tabby. Wtf. What are the chances of that???? It was very freaky. And also, the lady didn't even try btw. Stupid bitch. How selfish of her to just leave a dog on the side of the road.


So if anyone wants an adorable pit bull, go to the pound in orange, and he should be there.
<input ... >
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ThinkUpSideDown
26 December 2008 @ 11:25 am
I love David Edward Zeh!  
Because thanks to that wonderful man, I had an amazing Christmas!

First: He fixed the AC on the box.


Then: He got me tickets to a Britney Spears concert.


After that: He got me an adorable kitten.


And finally: He got me a gorgeous rose gold necklace that I'm never taking off :)

Why can't all men be as wonderful as him? But then again, I don't care, because he's all mine!

And it's not the material things, it's the thought that counts.


I went into this Christmas expecting nothing, because I understand money is tight now a days, and I came out with more than my heart could desire :)

As for him, I gave him twelve days of Christmas.
and on the last day (christmas day) I gave him an umbrella that says ford, with racing stripes, and the handle is a shift knob (though, it's funny, because it's a European shift pattern, but I was like, it's ok, because the focus has the same shift pattern, and it's a ford lol)

And Kathy, and Cristian! You guys need to come over, we still have your gifts under the tree.
:)
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ThinkUpSideDown
22 December 2008 @ 01:41 pm
Yesterday was a dream.  


Actually, my whole life has been a dream. Ever since David has become a part of my life. On Saturday, we were supposed to go to Big Bear to enjoy the snow, we even put the stock suspension back on the box, so we don't break anything else haha. But David had a cold, so we decided to decorate the tree instead. I had spent last week painting some white christmas lights yellow. Why are there no yellow lights? haha. Anyway, so I was walking through the mall last week and thought of a great idea for our Christmas tree, since David and I had had a hard time figuring out what theme...and I decided....why not a car theme? David loved the idea. I went to his parent's house and picked up his box of somewhere around 800 Hot Wheels. And we got red, yellow and green lights. And now our tree is decorated! We put red on top, yellow in the middle, and green on the bottom, hung Hot Wheels as ornaments, and put a few candy canes and clear Christmas ornaments on it, to set off the look. It looks fabulous. I'll post some pictures later :)

And night before last we decided to sleep on the couch and wake up at 5:30 in the morning (the couch makes it so much easier to wake up!) and I made french toast for breakfast, and by 6am we were on the road, headed to Big Bear! Oh it was so beautiful up there! It's a shame I forgot the camera, it was such a winter wonderland. We went to this park, by Big Bear Lake, and played in the snow. It was above our knees! We decided to travel to the other side of the park to get close to the lake (in normal conditions it would have taken about 3 mintues, but in the snow, it took about half an hour!) We had so much fun! It really does help to have proper snow gear too. I didn't get wet or cold at all! In face, I was a little warm after the hike through the snow! We went and played with the water a bit, which you could see people had walked across. (Jesus?! lol). It was frozen solid! I then found a benh, and dug it out and we sat for a bit and just enjoyed holding each other and looking at the glistening snow. We then decided to walk to this path that was carved out (if only we had seen that sooner!) and on the way there we found a picnic table, and dug out a side, and it was like a premade cave! We felt like little kids again as we crawled into the cave and cuddled, surrounded by snow. :) It was so magical. After getting bored of our cave, David did a few front flips off the table and into the snow. It was amazingly soft! I had never been in fresh fallen snow like that. We made it to the path, and noticed that the bottom was covered in ice! So we put the sled down and I sat in it, and David pushed me all the way to the car! It was a blast! We were hauling ass! By that time it was around 10:30, and we were already hungry for lunch, so we walked around the village for a bit and found this nice little place (That had mooses stitched into the chairs!) And we played 21 questions while eating, and watching a football game that was being played in the snow.

After that, we decided to head back home. We went home and played a few games of Uno (so much fun, I had never played until Saturday night when David and I played with Jenny, then tackled him and tickled him. So much fun. And then we turned on the lights of the Christmas tree, turned on some Christmas music, and cuddled on the couch and took a nap. We woke up and went to LAX to pick up Gerry, who then took us to dinner at this wonderful place called Katella Deli. Oh they had everything there! I had the corned beef and cabbage. It was so good, and reminded me of my Gramma's cooking. Yum. We then went home and played a few more games of Uno, and when I got sleepy, David played some video games, and I fell asleep on his lap. He carried me to bed I guess, because all I know is I woke up this morning in bed. haha.

I now have the cold that David had Saturday, but it's ok. I have my little cuddely kitten sitting on my lap purring up a storm, and my giant bunny is hopping around, and I have a nice warm cup of coco (with marshmallows!) and I'm watching cars drive by in the rain.

Life really couldn't get much better.

But I need to do a little more shopping for David's Christmas gifts, and I need to wrap everyone elses. And later, I'm going to make chili for dinner Yum. And tomorrow, gingerbread cookies to put in tins and give to the neighbors. :)

Merry Christmas everyone.

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ThinkUpSideDown
07 October 2008 @ 04:58 pm
So much change!  
I don't know why I got through these moments where I don't want to write. Even though I really should. Well David and I are doing wonderful. I love him so much. He really does complete me. Last week we moved into our own place. This apartment is so nice. We've been shopping every day to fill the place. It's really turning into a home. I need to find a job soon though so I can help out with the bills and such.

I have a best friend. Her name is Marzena Hiler. She's so nice, and she really talks a lot and listens well also.

I've been cooking all week and I love it. I feel like such a wife :)

I have a really bad cold right now, which sucks, but it's ok, I'm getting better. I took a bath today and it made me feel a lot better.

I made a random recipe today. I dont' know what to call it. It's almost like a coffee cake, minus the cake. It has apples, butter, sugar, and flour. It's pretty good, but I didn't make enough, so it's hard to get out of the pan. haha.

Life is just so wonderful. I feel the sun shining on me right now, and it is so relaxing, and I feel so blessed. Seriously. And to know that I'm loved by someone just as much as I love them makes me feel appreciated :)

David really does care for me, and it makes me so happy. I wish I could show him how much he really means to me, we will have to see what ideas I come up with.

There is a guy that works here at the apartments, and he's really nice, I dont' remember his name, but he likes to talk a lot haha. He says he's into film and he's making this tragic movie, and he wants me to be in it. haha. We'll see :)

All I know is that I  LOVE DAVID so much and he is such a wonderful, stunning, handsome, kind man. :) More than I could say about anyone else but him and my dad :)


I LOVE YOU DAVID EDWARD ZEH!!!!! Forever and always.
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Current Location: Home
Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: Christmas Music haha
 
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