I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I'm PMSing, but I have no clue.
Ever since David, I have been so happy, and I've been getting so much better with my confidence and have become a much more possitive person. But tonight, I just feel so weird. Weird. Ya. That's the only way I can describe it.
David is sleeping right now, I had to leave the bed. We've had a weird night. I don't know if it's just me, or if he's just saying all the wrong things, and I'm hearing them weird.
But everything tonight has made me want to cry. With the way I am, I have always been so excited about marraige, and having children, and I love to talk about it, because it makes me excited for the future. It's like my little girl dreams, and I love them. And David used to always be aboard, but lately, I don't know if it's just because I'm picky or what, but lately, I've just been noticing that he's not the same. I don't know why, but just things he keeps saying. Like we were watching Desperate Housewives, and there was a baby, and I kept saying how cute she was and how I wanted a baby (not right now of course, but David knows that, I have told him time and time again.) and David says "not right now". And he always says that, and it bothers me. No shit. I know not right now. I'm just saying, I want one, some time, eventually, in my lifetime. And I have told him that, but no matter what, it's like he can't accept the fact that I want one. He just keeps saying not now.
And we were in bed, and I was asking him if he was serious about marraige, because he has been very distant lately, and he said "well it's like death. I know it's coming, but I don't feel the need to talk about it" and that really upsets me because he's comparing death to marraige! And he's always doing stuff like that. And when I pointed out that that was very negative, he then compared it to an inheritance, which is still just as bad because someone is still dying! And I know he always says stuff like "oh, people tell me that marraige ruins marraiges" and stuff like that, and the whole ball and chain thing. And that really really hurts me, because it's like he already has this negative assumption about marraige, and he hasn't even experienced it yet! I mean, I've also heard that it's tough, but I'm looking forward to that, because I think that in the end it will make me feel accomplished, and I really want to make it work. I don't know. I know it's a while away from now, but what's the harm in talking about it?
And I remember when David and I were first starting dating, he would always be touching me and telling me how sexy I am, and how much he loved me, and when I would go to the shop, he would touch me, and now it's like someone has flipped a switch, and I feel like I practically have to beg for attention, and I don't like that at all :( It really makes me sad. I just feel so numb right now. It could be because it's one thirty in the morning, but I don't know. I feel like I need to cry, but then I have this feeling of anger almost. And it makes me not want to cry. I just don't want a repeat of Arien. I can't believe I'm saying that, but I really don't. I constantly tell David how much I love him and how much he means to me, and how handsome he is, and I point out his good qualities, and I just feel like I"m talking to someone who really doesn't give a shit. And it really hurts me that my words are wasted, or at least feel like it.
And I know he's stressed. He hasn't been paid for three weeks, and he's having to do work on the side, and pretty much steal money from the shop in order to get anything, but I still feel that if he's stressed, well I should be his relief. And I'm not. And I don't know what is for him right now.
We had a conversation, because earlier, I had asked him if he loved Cookie, and he said "she's cute" and I was like uh, that's not an answer. He avoided it. And I asked him about it later, and he said "I don't say I love something unless I would take a bullet for it" and that really meant a lot to me. And he then told me he loved me. And sealed it with a kiss. But it was a quick one. I hate those quick kisses. I want a fucking meaningful kiss. Where I feel you really mean what you say. Am I the only one that feels that way??? Are kisses so cheap and useless that they really mean nothing anymore? I just want a kiss that lasts for more than a millisecond! Is that too much to ask for? And a hug that feels meaningful too. I don't want the kind of hug that you would give a friend, where you hold, pat, pat, let go. I want to be held!!! I feel like I really need to be held. And with meaning. Why can't I feel like there is meaning in anything anymore??? I feel like he just has sex with me too because it's like required. It's just a scheduled thing that we need to do.
I cried there for a moment, when talking about the hug. I mean, I don't know. I"m just a mess right now, and I think, well i think David thinks, I'm paranoid.
Last night was new years eve. And at around 2 I wanted to go home, but Kathy was our ride, and she didn't seem to want to go. And no matter how much I asked David to hint at wanting to leave, he kept saying no, and that it's not our choice, and it made me feel like shit. And I was worried because I didn't want to be on the road with all the drunks. I was genuinely terrified for my life, and I was worried we were going to die. I broke down and cried, pretty hard. And I don't know if it's because it was late (like tonight) or if it was PMS, or what. But I was worried. and now I"m worried about David not wanting to get married, and worried that he really doesn't want to have kids, and now I"m worried that I worry too much!
What is wrong with me? I don't want to see a psychiatrist. I really don't. I don't really like doctors I guess. I just feel horrible, and I feel like a really bad, mean person, but I just don't konw what to do.
Is it true? Can I really not stand when everything is perfect??? Am I afraid of everything being wonderful? Because I'm so used to conflict and negativity??
I notice, I have had a lot of questions in this entry, and I don't feel any of them will ever be answered.
I just don't know. I don't fucking know. And that makes me angry, and sad, and I just have this feeling, like my heart is oily. Weighed down.
And David goes back to work tomorrow. For a day, but still. I don't want to be away from him. I want to feel that closeness, that heart to heart feeling I used to feel, that I now long for.
Am I addicted? to affection? And attention?
I think I am. But is there really an Affection Needers Annonymous?? I really really doubt it.
It's just that, not only do I want to BE loved, but I want to FEEL loved.
And I think I've been chasing that feeling my whole life, and David satisfied it, and now suddenly doesn't.
What does it take for me to talk to him and tell him this, without him thinking I"m crazy???
I'm not crazy. I'm not. I just really have had too many loveless years, and I need to fill them. Now. Rush order, but he was doing so well. And now it's gone.
I know he's sleeping, but I need to turn on a song. "you've lost that loving feeling".
You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips.
And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips.
You're trying hard not to show it, (baby).
But baby, baby I know it...
You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Whoa, that lovin' feeling,
You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Now it's gone...gone...gone...wooooooh.
Now there's no welcome look in your eyes
when I reach for you.
And now your're starting to critisize little things I do.
It makes me just feel like crying, (baby).
'Cause baby, something in you is dying.
You lost that lovin' feeling,
Whoa, that lovin' feeling,
You've lost that lovin' feeling,
Now it's gone...gone...gone...woooooah
Baby, baby, I get down on my knees for you.
If you would only love me like you used to do, yeah.
We had a love...a love...a love you don't find everyday.
So don't...don't...don't...don't let it slip away.
Baby (baby), baby (baby),
I beg of you please...please,
I need your love (I need your love),
I need your love (I need your love),
So bring it on back (So bring it on back),
Bring it on back (so bring it on back).
Bring back that lovin' feeling,
Whoa, that lovin' feeling
Bring back that lovin' feeling,
'Cause it's gone...gone...gone,
and I can't go on,
noooo...
Bring back that lovin' feeling,
Whoa, that lovin' feeling
Bring back that lovin' feeling,
'Cause it's gone...gone...
wow. it's amazing. I know that song doesn't say much, but everything it says is true. he really doesn't close his eyes anymore when we kiss. And he is critisizing every little thing I do. And he doesn't have that same look in his eyes when I try to hold him. I don't even know if we've looked each other in the eyes in a while. We did have a love you don't find every day. People were so jealous. What is happening???? Why do I feel like this? I dont' like this. i really don't like this feeling.
And it's really hurting, because I've been typing for nearly fourty minutes now, and he hasn't come out to find me. He would normally notice I'm not next to him and come see why I'm not in bed. Am I overthinking this??? What is going on?????
This feeling I have right now feels too familiar, and I don't like that. I don't want to lose David. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I'm going to fight through this, and no matter what it takes, I WILL get him back. I will.
Even though I feel like I should still keep typing, because I don't feel like I got it all out still, I"m going to go to bed.
Let's see if he noticed I was gone.
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